The Hunt for the MarySue's
by AnonymousDuo
Summary: "A plague has spread across the wizarding community, and it originates from the internet. It is known as the plague of the Mary-Sue's." The Order is hunting down Mary-Sue's, but are they safe from the plague themselves? Lots of humour and Mary-Sue's.
1. The Warning Letter

**AN: Hi! This is for all of you who have read atrocious Mary-Sue stories and facepalmed because of said stories! This takes place in the summer of OotP, Harry's already in Grimmauld Place. I own nothing. Except my Mary-Sues.**

**The Warning Letter**

Harry was helping clean out a cupboard at Grimmauld Place when Hermione rushed in, her face flushed.

"What's wrong?" Molly asked, noting Hermione's anxious look.

Hermione brandished a letter, panting for breath.

Harry took it from her and read it out loud.

_"To the Order of the Phoenix,_

_The wizarding world is in grave danger. It is unknown whether the Dark Lord is behind this, but I will need all of you to co-operate. A plague has spread across the wizarding community, and it originates from the internet. It is known as the plague of the Mary-Sue's. _

_We are now threatened by this dangerous plague and all wizards and witches will be affected, including yourselves. Some may be affected more so than others, and some extreme cases might even become Mary-Sue's; carriers of this plague virus. The symptoms of Mary-Sue's are-_

_- acting out of character_

_- flawless looks_

_- adored by many people (of both the opposite and the same sex)_

_- an unexpected rise in grades_

_- is revealed to have a mysterious secret in their past_

_- tries to please everyone (and succeeds)_

_- if he/she does not succeed, they burst into tears or attempt another solution_

_- performs a great feat that cannot be performed by someone of his/her age (eg: apparating inside Hogwarts)_

_- has had/has a crush on at least one person whom he/she has never viewed as more than a friend (or even a friend)_

_It is your task to hunt down these Mary-Sue's and remove them, as the virus is contagious. Be warned though, take precautions not to fall prey to any extreme cases. In the case that you are turned into a Mary-Sue, there is a high possibility that you will have to be exterminated._

_The effects of this plague have already begun. Be safe. Be prepared._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Albus Dumbledore._

A silence fell across the room as the Order grasped the implications of this terrible news.

Slowly, they realised the small changes that had been taking place over the past few days. Harry's attraction for Cho had faded to the back of his head. Ron had grown a tad more aggressive and Hermione's hair was magically straightening a little every day.

"This isn't good!" Ginny panicked. "I don't want to be a Mary-Sue!"

She began sobbing. Everyone was shell-shocked. Ginny rarely ever cried.

Suddenly Ginny straightened. "Merlin's beard, I didn't mean to cry!" She pulled at her hair. "I'm turning into a Mary-Sue!"

Molly hugged her tightly. "No, you're not." She whispered comfortingly.

Sirius and Remus caught each other's eyes worriedly. Sirius felt a sudden spurt of affection for Remus. He tore his gaze away. Remus was his best friend, not... He shook his head as though to rid himself of the thought. The plague of the Mary-Sue's was messing with them.

He straightened firmly. "Listen, everybody. The best thing we can do is rely on our common sense to protect us from the plague. Keep a close eye on yourselves, so that you don't turn into a Mary-Sue. The Mary-Sue plague is also contagious." He took a deep breath. "So if you come across an extreme case, a complete Mary-Sue, remember to exterminate them."

Harry stared at him. "Sirius, all of us are affected! Should we commit mass suicide?"

Sirius shook his head. "We may be affected, but we have not made the entire transition. We are only partial Mary-Sue's. A fully transformed Mary-Sue is a threat to the wizarding world and must be removed, before he/she affects everyone around him/her."

Ron paled. "Bloody hell. How are we supposed to _remove_ them?"

"Azkaban?" Harry suggested. "I don't think Dementors could be affected."

"Yes, and we should create a check-list for people, to see how many symptoms they have." Tonks said. "And we should have a separate watchlist for people with a large number of symptoms."

Arthur nodded. "Anyone with 6 or more of the symptoms should be placed on our watchlist."

"I think we should check each other as well." Hermione suggested. "I'll do Ron's checklist."

"I'll do Harry's." Ron agreed. "And Harry..."

"I'll do Ginny's." He offered.

Ginny looked slightly surprised. "And I'll do Hermione's."

Similarly, Molly and Arthur did each other's, Fred and George (so they could tell each other apart), Bill and Fleur, Remus, Charlie and Sirius, Tonks, Kingsley and Mad-Eye. Mad-Eye also offered to do Mundungus's, so nobody else had to.

"Now that that's settled." Bill said. "Let's get on with the work."

"The hunt for the Mary-Sue's has begun." Muttered Harry, picking up his duster.

**AN: This was fun to write! I hope it was fun to read! DO let me know, because I plan on writing more. I'd LOVE to hear your ideas for this! There's so many angles to put in to this and play around with OOCness! This is loads of fun! REVIEW PLEASE! :D**


	2. On the Hogwarts Express

**Aw, you guys are really nice *blush* I LOVE YOU ALL :D Oh, and just so you know, I made a few changes to the previous chapter. If you're too lazy to go back and read (Haha, I would be too), then you should know that all the "Mary-Sue"s who are fully transformed, will be sent to Azkaban.**

**And I'll be taking your ideas into account too :) Thanks a lot! xoxo**

On The Hogwarts Express

Harry woke up groggily to see Hermione shaking him awake.

"Huh?" He muttered, clambering out of bed. "Time to leave?"

"No." Hermione explained.

Ron was awake too. "Then why wake us up?" He asked, crossly.

She glared at him. "Because, Kingsley made some changed to our plans for the Mary-Sue's."

"Oh." Harry said stupidly. "What did he say?"

Hermione showed him a sample checklist. "We rate the symptoms on a scale of 1-3. 1 is the mildest and 3 is the most severe."

"So what?" Ron asked.

Hermione sighed. "So, _Ron_, if someone has a high rating on 6 or more symptoms, we put them on a _priority_ watchlist."

"Let me get this straight." Harry said. "We create a checklist for each individual person."

"Check."

"If anyone has 6 or more symptoms, any rating, they go on to a regular watchlist."

"Check."

"And anyone with a rating of 3 on 6 or more symptoms is on our priority watchlist."

"Check."

"Don't you think we're taking this a little too seriously?"

Hermione stared at him incredulously. "Harry! You-know-who is back. We can't afford to be weakened any further. This plague has the worst possible timing, so we _need_ to take this seriously!"

"Okay, okay." Harry said wearily. "I understand."

Hermione left the room and Ron watched her leave. Then he turned to Harry.

"You know what this means?" He demanded. "Extra work! She's taking this so bloody seriously!"

Harry sighed. "Which means she probably won't have time to do our homework."

Ron swore.

* * *

><p>"Goodbye kids, I love you!" Mrs. Weasley waved to them. Sirius wagged his tail frantically.<p>

Harry hoisted his trunk on to the train. "Bye, Mrs Weasley! Be safe, Snuffles!"

Harry could have sworn that Sirius winked at him.

Harry and the others got on the train. The train pulled out of the station and Harry glimpsed Sirius chasing the train, a lopsided grin on his face.

When the platform was out of sight, Harry turned to Ron and Hermione. "Where do you want to sit?"

Hermione and Ron fidgeted. "The thing is, Harry... We have to go to the Prefects compartment."

"Oh."

"It's going to suck. But we'll be back soon. Why don't you, uh, find a compartment?"

"Okay." Harry said, watching them leave. He had never travelled in the Hogwarts Express without Ron.

"Let's go find some seats." Ginny piped up from behind him.

"Alright." He said, and they made their way through the train.

Suddenly, Harry bumped into someone.

"Oh, sorr-" He began, and then stared. "Neville?"

Ginny's mouth dropped.

Neville grinned at them. "Hey guys."

Harry's eyes widened. "You look, uh, different."

Neville nodded. "I know. It just sort of happened over the summer. Gran suspected that I'd used a spell on myself."

Harry and Ginny were shocked. They were not seeing Neville Longbottom, the fat, nervous boy they had said goodbye to last year. They were seeing Neville Longbottom, Sex God.

"You can't use magic outside of Hogwarts if you're underage." Ginny found her voice.

"Oh, haven't you heard?" Nevillie asked, surprised. "They changed the rules last week. Anyone aged 14 and above can use magic outside of Hogwarts."

"What?" Harry exploded. "Why was I sent to the bloody Hearing?"

Ginny shot him an anxious glance. "They just changed the rules, because of... you know."

Harry realised that Fudge must have been affected by the Plague. **(AN: I'll refer to the Mary-Sue plague as, the Plague xD )**

Neville watched the two of them curiously. "Should we find a compartment?"

Ginny peered into the compartment behind him. "Oh, look, there's only one person in there."

"That's Loony Lovegood." Neville muttered. "We can, uh, go somewhere..."

"She's really nice, come on!" Ginny pulled them into the compartment.

"Er, hi Luna." Ginny smiled awkwardly. "Can we sit here?"

The girl barely looked up from her magazine, but she nodded.

Ginny sat next to Luna and Harry and Neville opposite them.

"You don't wear glasses anymore." Ginny commented tentatively.

"They're Spectra-Specs." Luna looked up. "I don't need them anymore."

"Why not?" Ginny asked.

"It's easier to see Wrackspurts these days." She said. "There's loads of them. Like around you." She pointed at Neville.

Neville stared. "Wrackspurts?"

"They make your brain go fuzzy. Everyone has them. Even I do." She smiled serenely.

Ginny was trying hard not to laugh but Harry's mind was racing. Could these _Wrackspurts_ be connected to the Plague?

"Tell me more about Wrackspurts." Harry said, pulling out a piece of paper and a quill. Maybe Hermione could help him.

Luna looked surprised. "Well, they're little things that float around your head. They get inside through your ear and make your brain go fuzzy."

"Why can't I see them?"

Luna rummaged in her bag and came up with a pair of Spectra-Specs. "Put these on."

Harry obeyed. Immediately he noticed several brightly coloured specks of dust floating around their heads. He grew dizzy trying to count them. They all had about the same amount of Wrackspurts, althought the colours varied. Neville had largely red wrackspurts. Could red wrackspurts represent the symptomof flawless looks?

"They're rather frightening, aren't they?" Luna asked. "They never used to be this colourful, or this large."

The Wrackspurts were hovering ominously. Harry watched as some ducked in through ears, some floated out, but mostly they just hovered.

"Why don't they all go inside our heads?" Harry asked.

Luna shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe there's not enough space."

Harry took off the Spectra-Specs and made some quick notes.

"Thanks, Luna." He said, ignoring the others' questioning looks.

* * *

><p>Ron and Hermione threw open the door.<p>

"Starving." Ron flung himself down next to Ginny, and grabbed at the Chocolate Frogs lying next to Neville. Hermione sat down next to him, staring at Neville.

"Hey, Ron. Hi, Hermione." Neville nodded.

Hermione nodded back, momentarily speechless.

"''Ey, Nevil." Ron said with his mouth full. Then he noticed.

"Woah!" He swallowed. "Neville, did you get a makeover?"

Hermione punched him on the arm.

"What? He just looks so diff-"

Hermione punched him again and glared meaningfully.

"Wha... oh, yeah!" Ron remembered the Plague.

Luna looked at him. "Your Wrackspurts are very colourful."

Ron was taken aback. "Er..."

He turned to Harry almost accusingly. "Who's she?"

"I'm Luna Lovegood. You went to the ball with Padma Patil."

Ron was unsure how to respond, so he just nodded and resumed eating his Chocolate Frog.

"I don't really like dancing." Luna reflected.

The door swung open again.

"Well, well." Draco Malfoy drawled. "If it isn't Harry Potter and his precious gang of losers." **(AN: I imagined him saying that in a Lauren Lopez voice xD )**

Inwardly, Harry groaned. Everyone except for him seemed to have been affected by the symptom of flawless looks. Especially Draco, his robes looked so much better...

Horrified, Harry tore his gaze away from Draco. He loved _Cho. _He was not attracted to Draco Malfoy. **(AN: I'm not very good with Drarry. Personally, Drarry has scarred me for life. Which is why I'm including this ship haha!)**

"Get out of here, Malfoy." Ron snapped.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Got a problem, Weasley?" Draco snapped. **(AN: Lol sorry about all the 'AN's, but Lauren Lopez, anyone?)**

Ron raised an eyebrow sceptically. "Yeah, and it's standing at the door of this compartment."

Draco smirked. "I just dropped by to say hello." He smirked at Hermione. "See you around... Hermione."

He shut the door and left.

Hermione's eyebrows rose so high that they disappeared beneath her hair. Draco had just used her first name.

Both Ron and Harry tried not to feel jealous. Harry was completely revolted by his newfound attraction for Draco, and he was determined to destroy _all_ the Wrackspurts around his head.

_"This is going to be a fun year."_ He reflected mournfully.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Woah. This chapter was very much different from what I'd planned. Oh, well. Fun year ahead! Review? PRETTY PLEASE? :D<strong>


	3. The Sorting Ceremony

**Ah, listening to Hedwig's theme, it's just so sad :') Harry Potter will never be over. The Mary-Sue's will continue the legacy! xD**

**Oh, well, thanks for the *review*. Yes, in singular. About 20 people read the second chapter. 1 person reviewed. I feel so loved :/ PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW. Reviews get me through my updates!**

**Here goes :)**

**The Sorting Ceremony**

Harry, Hermione, Ron and the others headed for the carriages.

"Where's Hagrid?" Ron muttered.

"Dunno." Harry looked around. "He's hard to miss, if you know what I... woah!"

"What?" Hermione and Ginny asked simultaneously, cutting short their conversation.

Harry pointed at the carriages. "There's... there's... what's pulling the carriages?"

"Nothing's pulling the carriages, Harry." Hermione said, concerned.

"Are you all right, mate?" Ron asked worriedly.

"Yeah, look!" Harry pointed at the large, horse-like creatures. "Don't you see them?"

Ron and Hermione exchanged a glance.

"I'm not going mad!" Harry said irritatedly. "Why won't you just look?"

"I don't see anything, Harry." Ginny said in a soothing tone.

With one last look at the creature, Harry clambered onto a carriage.

"Don't worry." Luna smiled. "I see them too. You're just as sane as I am."

Harry was not particularly reassured.

"I hope there's pudding." Luna said abstractly.

* * *

><p>The Great Hall was full of commotion.<p>

Hermione and Ginny looked at each other meaningfully. Ron caught the look.

"What?" He demanded.

Hermione glanced at him with an unfathomable expression. "Look at Snape."

Ron and Harry briefly turned.

"He's still a git." Ron commented.

Ginny looked at him incredulously. "You don't notice anything different?"

"He used shampoo?" Ron sniggered.

"Very funny." Hermione rolled her eyes.

"He looks different." Harry said.

Ginny blushed. "He looks... good."

Ron and Harry stared at her as though she's just professed her love for Professor Dumbledore.

"WHAT?" Ron burst. "You think... He..."

Hermione rushed to Ginny's aid. "The Plague, Ron! Snape has the Plague!"

"I can't believe you think he looks good!" Ron said indignantly.

"I don't fancy him, if that's what you're trying to say!" Ginny snapped.

"Who's the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher?" Hermione asked suddenly.

Harry suspected that she'd changed the topic on purpose, but he looked at the staff table.

His mouth dropped.

"She was at my hearing! She works for Fudge!"

Hermione's mouth was set in a grim line as she heard that.

"She's so... pink." Ginny giggled. "Symptom of the Plague?"

"She wore pink to the hearing as well." Harry assured her.

McGonagall carried in the Sorting Hat and a hush fell over the assembled students.

**(AN: Insert Sorting Hat's Song here. I'm not putting that in :S )**

The audience applauded, looking a little uneasy.

"What was that bit about _external deadly foes_?" Ginny asked nervously. "Surely it doesn't mean... the Plague?"

Hermione looked anxious. "This can't be good. Has it ever done this before?"

Nearly-Headless Nick floated over. "It certainly has. Whenever it feels that the school is in danger."

He fell quiet as the Sorting began.

Slowly, the long line of first years thinned. Harry and Ron were starving. Harry could see Luna at the Ravenclaw table, staring at her bowl, longing for pudding.

Finally, Dumbledore stood up and beamed. "To our newcomers, welcome! To our old hands- welcome back! There is a time for speech-making, but this is not it. Tuck in!"

"Hear, hear." Ron said heartily, as food appeared on the table.

"Do you ever stop eating?" Fred asked, fascinated. "Hi, Hermione." He winked.

Ron choked on his turkey. Harry patted him reassuringly on the back.

Ron glanced accusingly at Fred and Hermione, and continued to eat.

"So, Potter." A voice drawled behind him. Harry suppressed a sigh.

"Back for another year at Hogwarts are you? Look at Dumbledore, that old coot. Hogwarts really has gone to the dogs."

"'Ey!" Ron said, with his mouth full. "Nobody cares! Why don't you go eat your food?"

Draco wrinkled his nose. "As if I could eat this... rubbish. Wait till my father hears about the food they serve here."

Harry couldn't resist a jibe. "Too bad your father works for Voldemort, huh?"

The people around fell silent. Neville craned his neck to listen in.

"Watch your tongue, Potter." Draco sneered. "Then again, with the company you keep," He nodded at Hermione. "It's no wonder it's filthy."

"Lay off, Malfoy!" Ron snapped.

Draco smirked. "You've got yourself a boyfriend, Hermione. Surely even _you_ could do better."

He stalked off, leaving Hermione wondering whether she'd just been complimented by Draco Malfoy.

"Know what," Ron said irritatedly. "Why don't you do Malfoy's list, Hermione? Since he's _so_ fond of you."

Hermione glared at him. "I am _not_ fond of him!"

Harry sighed. "Could you two just... relax? I'll do Malfoy's list, okay?"

Hermione noticed that Ginny was staring at something. She nudged Ginny.

Ginny noticed Hermione's questioning look and blushed. "Er, nothing."

Hermione looked in the direction Ginny had been staring in. The Slytherin table was at the far end, and Malfoy had just sat down and was laughing with his friends. He looked up and caught her eye.

Hermione's cheeks turned red and she looked away. When she glanced again, he was smirking at her.

"Harry." Hermione said in a low voice.

Harry turned questioningly.

"I think you should give Draco a 2 on acting out of character."

Harry raised an eyebrow but said nothing. He pulled out the checklist.

Hermione glanced at Ron talking animatedly to Fred and George. Nothing _too_ out of character.

She looked up at the staff table, to see if she could spot any differences. Sitting at the staff table, she noticed Snape staring at her. He immediately looked away when she saw him, but Hermione was officially creeped out.

**(AN: Yes, Hermione is going to be a _major_ Mary-Sue! She's one of the most popular ones, isn't she. Gods, I hate reading Hermione Mary-Sue's. People need to realise that she is in _no_ way a super-flirt. Maybe a little, but... ah, I'm rambling :P )**

Ginny looked a little put out as she meddled with her treacle. Neville was leaning across to talk to Ron. Harry looked deep in though, and extremely worried.

"What's wrong?" Hermione asked him.

He shook his head. "It's the bloody Plague."

"Sh!" Ginny warned. "Dumbledore's going to make a speech."

Hermione fell silent and they turned to the staff table.

Dumbledore smiled at all of them, all though it was slightly forced. "Before I commence, I would like to announce a new transfer student. The Ministry has especially requested for her to be here. She will be starting her fifth year, so will you all please welcome, Marietta-Sue!"

A collective gasp ran through the Great Hall as the new student apparated into the castle.

**AN: Heh, heh. Suspennnse ;) Well, leave a review, PLEASE. I NEED REVIEWS TO UPDATE! Hugs and kisses xoxo**


	4. Be True to Yourself

**Okay I don't want to clutter up all this chapter with apologies, because I know I have a LOT of apologising to do! But believe me when I say that I am _honestly _doing my best to update D: I just find very little time! x.x**

* * *

><p><strong>Be True to Yourself<strong>

"You can't apparate inside Hogwarts!" Harry said indignantly.

Neville shook his head sagely. "How many times do we need to tell you Harry, things are changing around here!"

Hermione was nodding along absently, her gaze focused on the perky blonde who was waving at the students as though she were some sort of celebrity. Ron, on the other hand, was wholly concentrated on his food, and Harry winced every time Ron bit into something particularly crunchy.

"Hello!" Marietta said cheerfully. "You can call me Mary!"

"She speaks in exclamation marks." Ginny muttered.

Ron snorted into his drink.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Marietta will be taking the role of Head Girl,and the current Head Girl and Head Boy are no longer required." **(AN: I was having a massive writer's block because I had no idea what to do with Mary!)**

The look on Hermione's face turned to one of distaste. "I'm supposed to be working with _her_?"

Dumbledore continued. "Marietta will also be attending classes with the seventh-years from Gryffindor house."

A mixture of cheers and jeers erupted as Mary made her way to the Gryffindor table, her smile never fading. She seated herself next to Ginny, who looked as though she wanted to rip the smile off her face.

Fred, who was opposite Mary, flashed her a cocky grin, and Harry could practically read the thoughts running through his head. He smirked.

"You must be Harry Potter!" She chirped. "Hello!"

"Hi." Harry mumbled, trying to ignore all the looks that students across the Great Hall were shooting him. He was relieved when Mary turned to Ginny and struck up a one-sided conversation with her. Suddenly he felt Ron's breath in his ear. "How long d'you think it'll take for Ginny to hex her?"

Harry allowed himself a tense smile, then tried to catch Dumbledore's eye. But for some odd reason, Dumbledore refused to look at Harry, just as he had at the Hearing. Instead, Dumbledore was gazing intently at the Sorting Hat and... talking to it? Harry blinked.

"These are strange times." Nearly Headless-Nick reappeared. "Very strange times indeed."

Harry suddenly pushed his chair back. The atmosphere was strained, artificial, and it felt nothing like it was supposed to.

"I'm going to bed." He announced.

Ron said something with a mouthful of something that looked like pudding, but Hermione was too preoccupied shooting furtive glances at the staff table. Ginny had her head in her hands in frustration, and Harry doubted she even heard him over the sound of Mary talking. Mary, however, leapt to her feet.

"Oh, let me come with you!" She said excitedly. "You can show me where the common room is!"

Slightly frustrated, Harry had no choice but to lead her along. Ginny's content sigh of relief was probably heard by the entire table as Harry and Mary left.

* * *

><p>Harry pointed at the portrait of the Fat Lady, who was surveying them silently.<p>

"You just need to tell her the password." He said wearily.

"Mimbulus Mimbletonia!" She piped.

The portrait swung open and the two clambered in. As soon as the door shut, Mary turned to Harry and began speaking as fast as she could, in a breathy voice.

"Oh. My. God." She said. "We need to talk about your life. Did you _see _the way Draco was looking at you? You two would be like, _so_ cute-"

"WHAT?" Harry interrupted, part furious and part embarrassed.

Mary waved a dismissive hand. "Oh, please. Honey, you aren't fooling anyone. The two of you were meant to be. It's fate, destiny, call it what you want to! Gay is the new "cool" now. Where would we all be without homoerotic subtext?"

Harry was at a loss for words. "Er- I'm straight. I'm sure I am."

She laughed. "That's what they all say! You just need to discover your true self, and admit that you've always had a deep affection for Draco and there's nothing you want more than-"

"Stop." He said, irritated. "That is not true."

"Good guys always go for the bad guys! That's how romance works, don't you know? It's not about chemistry anymore, it's about two hot guys getting together!"

Harry opened and shut his mouth like a fish. Her argument made no sense, but he couldn't think of anything to say to her. He remembered what Sirius had told him once. _"Never argue with a stupid person. They drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience" _**(AN: yeah I found that somewhere, so, not my idea xD )**

"I don't have any feelings for Draco." He attempted lamely.

Mary cut him off. "You need to be honest to yourself. It's okay to be gay Harry, everyone will understand. Half of the students here are flaming homosexuals! They just haven't realised yet!"

Suddenly the reality of the situation came back to Harry. "Who are you?" He demanded. "What are you doing to us?"

Mary smiled at him like a mother would to a child. "I'm here to help you be true to yourselves. And to show you how much better the story of your lives could be if you were all practically perfect in every way!"

"Did you just quote Mary Poppins?" Harry was dumbfounded.

Mary's smile widened, and she placed what was meant to be a comforting hand on Harry's shoulder. "Don't worry. Soon enough, you'll accept the truth. Good night!"

She pranced away, and Harry stared at her open-mouthed. That was how Ginny and the others found him.

"Did she convert you?" Ron asked worriedly.

Harry shook his head, wavering between a laugh and a sob.

Ginny looked exhausted. "Did she attack you with her exclamation marks?"

Harry burst out into hysterical laughter, causing Hermione to flinch in anxiety.

"No-" He choked. "No, she's not all about exclamation marks!"

* * *

><p><strong>Okay so, I'm sorry (again) and my exams are almost over (but I have a new set of exams at the end of June UGH) so my updates should start getting a little more regular x.x<strong>

**I'll probably write more about it on my profile!**

**Well, R&R please? :D I would REALLY appreciate it!**


	5. Defense Against The Dark Arts

**I just wanted to say- thank you _so_ much for the reviews! They honestly do make my day. And I know I keep asking to review, because it's always nice to hear from my readers. And I'm also mostly writing this because it's so much fun xD So I'll probably be _always_ updating this one x) And again, thanks for the reviews :3**

**Oh, and before I start the chapter, as you've realised the school year's begun. And I will not be following the book too closely, because well, this is an AU fanfic xD (also it's been a while since I read OotP and I'm already reading something else right now)**

* * *

><p><em>Defense Against The Dark Arts<em>

Harry woke up feeling like someone had been hammering nails inside his head all night. Groaning, he propped himself up on one elbow, trying to place his sense of anxiety.

The previous day's events came flooding back to him.

He groaned again and forced himself out of bed.

The dorm was empty, so Harry realised that he was probably late, and he cursed.

He rushed downstairs a few minutes later only to find that everyone in the Great Hall was relaxed and he was not, in fact, late.

He took his seat next to Ron. "You're early." He said accusingly.

Ron looked at him oddly. "I was hungry."

"But you're never early." Harry insisted.

"But I'm always hungry." Ron replied fervently. "Haven't you noticed my uncontrollable passion for food over the years?"

"Well..." Harry began uncertainly. "I knew you _liked_ food, but..."

Hermione coughed pointedly, gesturing at her checklist for Ron.

Ron's eyes widened and he swallowed his mouthful. "Blimey, I didn't say that, did I?"

Hermione looked grim. "We need to be more careful."

"I blame it on Mary." Ginny said, exhausted.

Harry blinked. "Where did you come from?"

Ginny shrugged. "I only exist to deliver mildly amusing lines and be the antagonist in your love life, Harry. People tend to forget that I'm a strong female character."

Ron, who had snapped out of... whatever mood he had been in, muttered to Harry, "Put her on the watchlist." **(AN: Check chapters 1&2 again if you can't remember what that means xD) **

"That serious?" Harry whispered back.

Ron's reply was cut off by a perky. "Good morning!"

Ginny moaned and buried her head in her hands, trying to look inconspicuous.

Mary sat next to Ron, flipping a silky black tendril of hair as she did so.

"Weren't you blonde?" Ron asked her, bemused.

Mary's cerulean blue eyes sparkled. "It doesn't matter, silly! I _always_ look perfect!"

Ron struggled not to roll his eyes and turned to Harry. "What's our first lesson?"

"Defense Against The Dark Arts." Hermione said immediately.

Harry frowned. "But I checked our timetable only yesterday and it said..."

"Well, of _course _you need to meet Umbridge first!" Mary interrupted him. "Come on, you can walk me to class!"

"You have classes with the seventh-years." Hermione reminded her.

Mary gave Hermione a tinkling laugh. "But Harry's in his fifth year!"

Mary took an utterly confused Harry by the arm and led him away.

"This lack of continuity is confusing." He complained, as Ron and Hermione shot him sympathetic looks.

"It's the essence of a Mary-Sue." She reassured him.

* * *

><p>"Sit there, Harry!" Mary told him, as she herself took a seat in the front row.<p>

Harry looked at her as though she had just dropped off the face of the moon. "Only the Slytherins sit in the back of the room."

"Exactly!" She beamed.

Realisation dawned upon Harry and he turned beet red. "Oh- but we have class with the Ravenclaws."

Mary Sue sighed. "Oh, Harry. When will you learn that sexual tension is more important to the plot?"

Harry couldn't think of a reply to that, but he ignored her and sat in the front anyway. He almost missed the dangerous flash in Mary's eye.

"Stick to the rules." She warned. "We don't want to have a proper plot, do we?"

"We do." Harry muttered rebelliously.

Mary was silent for once, and Harry experienced fear of her for the first time.

Professor Umbridge swept in, all dressed in pink. "Good morning, class!"

"Good morning, Professor Umbridge!" The class chorused.

Harry looked around, bewildered. When had everyone else come in?

"Hello, Potter." A voice purred next to him.

_"Oh, no." _He groaned inwardly. _"Why?" _

Nobody else seemed to be bothered by the fact that Draco had abandoned his usual seat with his house in favour of Harry.

Umbridge glared at Harry. "Detention, Mr Potter!"

"Wait, what?" Harry was furious. "What do I have detention for?"

"For not saying "Good Morning". " She said haughtily.

Harry shot Mary an accusatory look that said _"Is she always like this?" _

"Wands away, books out." Umbridge smiled sweetly.

The class grumbled in protest, but obeyed. Harry spent the rest of the class trying to focus on his book and not attract any attention to himself. After a while, Harry gave up trying to decipher the book and let his thoughts wander to Voldemort. In between the Mary-Sue problem and school, he had hardly been able to spare a thought to the very real threat that they faced.

His train of thought was interrupted by a nudge from Draco. Harry glanced to see a folded piece of paper in front of him. Resigned, he opened it and read.

_"Boring class huh?" _

Harry rolled his eyes and crumpled the paper. Draco quickly smoothed it again and wrote. _"We could b frnds." _

This time Harry wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. The entire situation was just ridiculous. Against his will he found himself writing. _"Sure." _

_"GR8" _Draco replied enthusiastically.

Mary turned to wink at Harry triumphantly, and all he could do was glare in response.

Suddenly Umbridge was upon the two boys. "What's this?" She demanded.

Harry tried to casually cover the paper with his book but Umbridge snatched it up.

"Boring class huh?" She read to the class.

Harry's face burned and he covered his face with his hands, trying to block out the laughter.

Umbridge continued to read out from the paper and Harry sank lower in his chair, almost dying of embarrassment. She finished with a wicked grin. "Well, I think Mr Malfoy will be quite happy to join you in detention."

Harry moaned incoherently.

"Class dismissed!" Umbridge barked.

Harry was the first to rush out into the corridor, anxious to put as much distance as possible between himself and Draco. To his dismay, Mary-Sue materialised next to him.

"Hey, Harry!"

"Go away." He grumbled.

"I warned you to stick to the rules." She told him sympathetically.

"There are no rules!" He was exasperated. "This doesn't even make sense anymore!"

"It's only started!" Mary giggled. "I think my work with you and Draco is done for now, don't you?"

"Just stay away from me." He threatened her.

She ignored him. "Hm, who's next? Oh, but of course! You have Potions next!"

"No, we have Transfigu-" Harry stopped, astounded. The words on his timetable had changed from Transfiguration to Potions.

"Sexual tension, Harry. Sexual tension." She reminded him. "And don't wait up for me, I have to go find Hermione!"

Harry had never pitied Hermione as much as he did in that moment.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, that was actually pretty fast xD I just wanted to ask, does anyone else feel like my chapters are a bit short? <em>Please<em> tell me, because I worry that they are :S**

**And I didn't want to drag the Drarry relationship on for too long, so the next chapter will feature Hermione and... dun dun dun **

**So leave a review maybe ;D**


	6. The Potions Master

**Aah sorry I had more exams but now they're all over *PHEW* and my school starts on MONDAY already x.x But I hope to be more regular, because this year looks to be a bit less stressful xD**

**So to quickly answer your reviews, this is a multi-ship fanfiction! So I've been focusing on the overlydramatised aspects of Drarry, and this chapter is devoted to Snape/Hermione (Snamione?)**

**ALSO: I'd also like to make something clear. I am NOT saying that there is anything wrong with these ships. With a good and well-written plot, and under the right circumstances, these ships could very well be, well, amazing. But generally (from what I've seen) people try to skip explaining the chemistry between the two characters, and get to the kiss as soon as they can. I should probably have said this earlier, but I am in _no_ way hating on the ships, just how badly they're written. (If you can write them well, then great! I'd be more than happy to read a well-written fanfiction!)**

**So, I'll start writing then xD**

* * *

><p><em>The Potions Master<em>

"Hermy!"

Heads turned and a few people snorted.

"What?" Hermione was completely mortified to see a waving Mary-Sue.

"Don't call me that!" She snapped as Mary approached her with a huge grin plastered on her face.

Mary draped an arm through Hermione's and dragged her along as thought they had been friends forever.

Hermione untangled herself from Mary's firm grip and drew her books closer, almost protectively. "I'm fine on my own, thanks."

She walked briskly in an attempt to distance herself from Mary, but to no avail. Mary kept up with her to the hushed giggles of the students around them. Hermione passed Harry, who shot her a sympathetic look.

"Where are you going?" Mary chirped in her ear. "We have potions in the _dungeons_!"

"What?" Hermione fumbled with her timetable. "No, we..."

Her jaw dropped. "How..?"

Mary laughed, and Hermione instinctively raised a hand to swat her away from her ear.

"Not so close." She grumbled, changing directions to head for the dungeons.

"Now, Professor Snape has saved you a seat in the front row! You have to tell me all about it later!"

Hermione was horrified to find herself blushing. "That's..."

"Romantic?" Mary sighed.

"Revolting." Hermione corrected as the two headed into the dungeon, immediately falling silent.

"Sit. Down." Snape drawled in his usual lazy voice.

Hermione made for her usual seat, but a word from Snape stopped her in her tracks.

"Miss Granger, would you be so kind to take your seat in the front?" As usual, Snape's words were long and drawn-out, and it seemed to take him forever to say it.

It was also kind of... attractive. Not that Hermione would ever admit it, of course.

Ignoring a knowing wink from Mary, Hermione cautiously sat down in the indicated seat.

"_That's_ how you stick to the rules!" Mary murmured to Harry as he entered the room.

"Where's Ron?" Hermione twisted around, concerned.

"Not important to the plot." Mary said nonchalantly.

"Did she just speak... without exclamation marks?" Harry was awe-struck.

"Face. The. Front, miss Granger." Snape said. **(AN: Wow, punctuation is a real problem with Snape, because I'm just hearing Alan Rickman's voice in my head, and trying to write his lines accordingly. THIS IS NOT EASY, LET ME TELL YOU)**

Hermione turned around reluctantly, inwardly simmering.

"Turn to page three hundred and ninety four." He told them.

Mary squealed. "OOH! I love that line!"

Snape seemed to not have heard that, and instead he turned upon Hermione.

"Miss Granger." He smirked. "Would you like to demonstrate to the class how to make a love potion?"

"That's not even on page 394- Ow!" Hermione rubbed her back as Mary jabbed her with a pointed finger.

"Play with the rules!" Mary warned her.

For the first time, Hermione realised that there were only Gryffindors in the dreary room. Where were the Hufflepuffs they were meant to have class with?

_"Probably lost in Mary's rules."_ She thought scornfully.

"Whenever you're ready, Hermione." Snape snapped at her.

"AWW he used your first name!" Mary squealed again.

As usual, Snape turned a deaf ear to Mary, not showing the slightest sign that he had heard her. Hermione fervently prayed that he couldn't see her cheeks reddening either.

She licked her lips nervously and decided that extreme times called for extreme measures. She was about to do the one thing she had never thought she would have to do. She was about to say the unspeakable, the unthinkable. She was about to face a problem she had never dreamed that she would have to face.

"I..." She stumbled over the words. "I don't know how to."

The atmosphere in the room seemed to darken even further and Hermione swore that she could feel Mary's death glare on her back.

Even Snape was left astounded, and he seemed to have lost control of his speech.

After what seemed like hours, Snape was able to speak again.

"You obviously haven't done the summer assignment." He said silkily. "Five points from Gryffindor."

The class groaned collectively, and Hermione turned to tell Mary off. She was taken aback at the positively wicked smirk on Mary's face.

"Oh." Snape purred. "Detention in my office. This evening."

The look on Hermione's face turned to one of utter terror

* * *

><p>Hermione roughly grabbed Mary and turned her around.<p>

"What was that about?" She demanded. "What is going _on_?"

Harry joined her and glared at Mary. "What are you trying to accomplish here?"

Mary shrugged Hermione off. "Your lives are so boring!" She said sympathetically. "I'm here to brighten your day!"

"Don't try to go all Mary Poppins again." Harry groaned loudly.

"Just give us a straight answer." Hermione snapped. "_What_ are you?"

"The result of an author who has far too much time on her hands, and doesn't realise that self-insertion is a delicate process and needs a strong plot to support it."

The two just blinked.

"Sorry, what?" Harry blinked again.

Mary smiled fondly. "Someday, you'll understand! But now, don't you think you should hurry to your next class? Ron's waiting for you!"

Harry and Hermione exchanged an uneasy glance. So far all their lessons had been ploys to set them up with someone.

"What class is it?" Hermione asked tentatively, adding under her breath. "I don't think we'll like the answer."

"Transfiguration!"

Hermione choked while Harry said resignedly. "We don't like the answer."

* * *

><p><strong>OKAY WHAT WAS THAT ENDING I'm sorry I don't know where that came from that was totally unexpected xD Ohgod the next chapter is going to be pure torture to write. I'm going to have such fun ahaha<strong>

**And before I forget I want to thank you for ALL THE LOVELY REVIEWS SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST EVER**

**And this chapter is pretty short (sorry, I'm just paranoid about lengths) but the next one should be up... soon. I won't make any promises, but now that exams are over for a couple of months (at least) I think I can manage!**

**Thank you so much for being patient with me!**

**And feel free to review (PLEASE REVIEW omg) :D**


	7. Poor Ginevra

**ARGH I DID IT AGAIN DIDN'T I**

**Well, I'm back again, and I've got the same excuse as last time.**

**I haven't had the time! I was actually part of a theatre festival and our play just got over recently (it went REALLY well :D)**

**Once again, you reviewers are the best! I'm so so sorry I don't personally reply to all your reviews, but I'm short on time as it is, and every second I can spare to write counts! (oh dear, exclamation marks ;)**

**Alright, I also decided that the POINT of a this story is to make fun of Mary-Sues, and I'm going to focus on the badly written stereotypes a bit more :) I think I've been getting a bit too carried away xD**

**Alright then, here goes!**

* * *

><p><em><span>Poor Ginevra<span>_

Mary laughed at the expression on Hermione's and Harry's faces. "Don't worry, sillies! You have lunch now!"

"But we just ate breakf-" Hermione began, but Harry shook his head wearily.

"I give up." He threw his hands up and slumped away to the Great Hall, followed by Hermione.

Mary bounded after the two of them. "Oh, I can't wait for lunch!"

"Why?" Harry asked cautiously. "What happens?"

"Oh, you'll see!" She smiled mischievously, bouncing away.

"I wish she'd stop smiling so much." Harry muttered dejectedly.

Hermione nodded absent-mindedly.

* * *

><p>Mary sat next to Ginny, grinning from ear to ear.<p>

"What?" Ginny snapped, not in the mood for any of Mary's chatter.

"How were your classes?"

"Just great." She muttered, swirling her fork around her plate.

Across her, Ron was stuffing his mouth with food like he'd been starved for a month. Harry and Hermione walked in at that moment and stared at Ron, fascinated.

As always, Ginny's heart did a little back-flip when she saw Harry. He noticed her and smiled, moving to sit next to her.

Her stomach fluttered, but she schooled herself to act nonchalant. "Hey."

Harry nodded in Mary's direction. "So, you're the lucky one?"

Ginny moaned. "I hope not."

As if on cue, Mary jumped. "Oh, Ginny! I just remembered!"

"What?" Ginny asked, irritated.

"I had to deliver this note to Blaise! Since you've finished eating, could you do it for me?"

"I'm not..." Ginny stared at her suddenly empty plate incredulously.

Mary lay a hand on Ginny's shoulder in what was meant to be a friendly manner, but Ginny yanked away from her and pushed her chair back.

"Fine!" She said sharply. "I'll go."

Snatching the note from Mary's hand, she walked away and began scanning the hall for Blaise and found him at the Slytherin table.

Of course. What else could she expect?

With a backwards I'm-going-to-skin-you-alive glare at Mary, she naviguated her way through the tables, in a hurry to get back to her own seat (next to Hary, of course).

"Hey, Ginny." Blaise was lounging on his chair casually, winking at her.

_"Ugh."_ She thought, her mind running through methods to make Mary's life a living hell. **(AN: Alright, this chapter is rambling and rambling, but I promise the next chapter will be good x)**

"Mary told me to give you this." She held out the note by her fingertips, stretching her arm, unwilling to get close.

"Thanks." He winked again, despite the fact that he was a pure-blood who despised the mere mention of Muggles or Weasleys, and nothing short of the most extraordinary miracle (in this case a Mary-Sue) could cause him to flirt with Ginny Weasley in front of his fellow Slytherins. **(AN: I, personally, am a guilty fan of Ginny/Blaise, but I haven't found a single well-written fanfiction. I actually found one where (can you believe it) Hermione was Blaise's twin sister and a lot of weird stuff happened. If anyone happens to find that, link me! xD I could use a laugh x)**

Mary materialised next to Ginny. "Oh! Hogsmeade trip this weekend!"

"Are you making this up as you go?" Ginny demanded. "I swear you're making this up as you go!"

Mary ignored her, and smiled pointedly at Blaise.

"What?" He snapped, momentarily reverting to his normal self.

Ginny made to move away, but Mary wrapped an arm around Ginny's shoulder, forcing her to stay.

"Let go before I hex you." Ginny warned through gritted teeth.

"Oh!" Blaise's charming grin snapped back on. "Ginny, will you go to Hogsmeade with me?"

"You must be out of your mi- YES!" Ginny's denial turned into an ecstatic exclamation.

Mary smiled in a satisfied manner.

Ginny shoved Mary away forcefully. "What the hell was-" She clutched her head suddenly as though in pain.

Blaise immediately stood up and moved to Ginny's side. "Are you alright?"

"Aww!" Mary wiped an imaginary tear from her eye.

"Let me take you to Madame Pomfrey." He volunteered.

By then, Hermione was at Ginny's other side, having noticed the commotion. "What's wrong?"

"Hmm." Mary pondered. "Now this is a dilemna."

"What now?" Hermione was losing her temper.

"Does Ginny need Blaise to take her to the hospital wing? Or you to take her to Snape?"

"What?!" Hermine coloured red. "This isn't the time for your... fun! Ginny, what's wrong?" She addressed the last part to Ginny, who was clutching her head and shaking it vigorously.

"Come with me." Blaise said decisively. "I'll take you to Madame Pomfrey."

Mary's eyes flashed. "That's _my_ decision."

"She's not well!" Blaise protested.

Mary made a dismissive sound. "Unimportant to the plot. You see, everyone wants romance! And romance doesn't need a plot! Just a lot of snogging and sappy dialogues! I suppose you and Ginny could snog in the hospital wing.."

Exasperated, Hermione grabbed Ginny's arm. "C'mon, Ginny. Let's go."

Mary's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You don't want to be doing that."

"I'm sick of you and your mood swings!" Hermione told her without turning back.

Mary watched the two retreating figured with a gloomy expression. "She's ruining my story! Oh, I'm going to show her!"

* * *

><p>Hermione lay Ginny down on the bed.<p>

"She's not the first." Madame Pomfrey was telling her. "We've had plenty in here- ever since that _Marietta_ joined."

Hermione noticed the way she spat out Mary's name. "I take it you don't like her?"

Madame Pomfrey made a disgusted noise and swore. "I told Dumbledore there was something wrong with her! But did he listen? No! And look at poor Ginevra here-"

"That's it!" Hermione interrupted excitedly. "Dumbledore!"

"Oh, you won't get any help from him, dear."

"No- he sent us that note!" Hermione was getting more and more excited by the minute. "If I could only talk to him-" A sudden thought struck her. "Madame Pomfrey, why aren't you affected?"

She shrugged. "I've been exposed to a lot of illnesses. I'm pretty resilient."

"So it _is_ kind of like an illness." The Gryffindor was intrigued. "I wonder if..."

Her wondering was cut short by the once again unwelcome sight of Marietta Sue.

"Hermy! Sweetie!" Mary spotted her.

"Sweetie?" Hermione asked indignantly.

"I've got an important message for you from a professor!"

"Which professor?" Hermione asked, with a sinking feeling that she knew what the answer would be.

"Snape!" Mary smiled wickedly. "Remember your detention?"

"Is it cancelled?" Hermione asked, without much hope.

"Don't be silly!" Mary giggled. "It's now!"

If looks could kill, Mary would have been a pile of ashes on the floor of the hospital wing.

* * *

><p><strong>OH DEAR<strong>

**I did not mean to take so long.**

**I feel like the quality's gone a bit down on this on, but please bear with me! I promise I'll try my best on the next one x)**

**And I'm terribly sorry about the hiatus, folks. I don't have anything to say.**

**Just... thank you so _so_ much for staying with me for over a year! I couldn't ask for better readers/reviewers! :***

**PLEASE leave a review- it means the world to me!**


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